I was searching for an English expression with a string of 4 words ("my mother's little kid") and Google gave me a gamut of websites with one of them having this entry. I copied the whole blog and pasted it here (in the hope that the article is public) to share with you dear prancer and prowler. My own Tagalog/Pilipino to English translations in bold blue text were very rough, I apologize.
Dear Bro Dan,
Don't worry. You have not provoked me to negative thoughts. If anything, your words provoked a certain sadness, a kind of longing that says, how I wish my brother Dan would not see himself so small. Even now I hesitate to post a response for fear of starting a painful thread. But I was taught that CFCs see Christ in each other and I cannot accept that the Christ in you is as small as you have judged it to be. I believe you are an immensely greater person than how you see yourself. Let's just say that I may have a greater faith in you than you do yourself and that faith won and convinced me to post this. If I were to be a witness to you, then I offer you my testimony.
There was a time when I was convinced I was small. Being my own worst critic made it easy for me to look down on myself. I projected my own inadequacies and looked down on others, making them small and judging myself to be better than they were. During those times I was struggling with building a career in a foreign country and I had friends who would regularly tell me to lower my goals. They told me I was a dreamer and I would never achieve what I set out to achieve. Like Don Quixote they told me all I had were windmills turning in the wind. Their words only spurned me on to strive more. I told myself that I would be better than what they thought of me. I would show them. Later in the process I started to feel superior towards them. But inside of me, every failure, every step that did not turn out as I wanted it to became frustration.
And I castigated myself for it. I worked myself up to the point where I could not accept making errors. And I complained against life, railing at my limitations and many times blaming others why things were not working out for me. I did not realize I was in a downward spiral of judgment that was doomed to failure. Every time I berated myself I lowered my own image of who I was. Before long I found myself feeling small, acutely aware of my limitations yet still having those big dreams. I was lost and needed to be found.
I do not know how God did it. But one day I found myself reading the Book of Proverbs. 23:7 starts with "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he...". These words somehow stuck and I found myself poring over books and articles and even poems. One book pointed out that over the centuries poets and wise men have tried to teach us that "as a man thinketh, so will he be." And of course, as I thought myself small, I was. Small and petty. And I justified it by saying na humble yung magpakumbaba (that disparaging myself is being humble.) I used to say, anong magagawa ko?(what can I do?) Ganito lang ako. (I am meant to be like this.) Ito lang yung naabot ko. (This is my stature) On rare occasions when someone would give me a compliment I would deny it thinking myself showing humility. Every time someone said I did something really well my reaction was invariably "'di naman. Nasuwertehan ko lang." ("not really, I just got lucky.")
But slowly I began to understand that those words from Proverbs also meant that if I thought myself great then I will be, that it also works in the other direction. Perhaps I was not that powerless, after all.
Our Lord Himself said that the works that He did we will do also, and even greater ones besides. He also taught us to seek first the kingdom of heaven and all the rest will be added unto us. And Luke 17:21 says "for indeed, the Kingdom of God is within you."
How could I continue to belittle myself after that? Should I insult the kingdom of God within me by judging it to be just maliit? Isn't it arrogance on our part to judge what God has created to be small and limited? And Christ, who is God Himself, is in each of us. In you, too, brother Dan. How can we belittle others and look down on them when God Himself resides in the other? How dare I judge what God has made?
The paradox of this whole story was that, the things I was striving so hard to achieve started to come in adequate amounts when I gave up running after them and started to focus on God. Don't get me wrong, I am not that perfect. I lose focus on Him as often as anybody else. I still make errors and fall just like everyone else. I feel pain and shed tears just like you. It's just that I've noticed that I can somehow keep my balance better inspite of the failures and mistakes. I found that I could rise up again after I fell where I used to be reduced to a despairing wreck. I do not feel so driven to achieve things as much as I used to. But I do feel it is important that I bring the spirituality I've found into whatever it is I decide to do.
I looked back on those dark days of despair when I used to raise my fists against life and found myself asking: "How did I come to have this quarrel with life?" When did I start trading hope for despair? When did I start seeing only the bad things that people did. Was I not the little kid my mother used to praise for the schoolwork I brought home and held high hopes for? What happened to that child who never knew how to question life but was so sure that he was going to be somebody when he grew up?
The child has grown. The child has realized he cannot have a quarrel with life. The child has realized life is a gift from his Creator. This child has learned some simple lessons with far reaching impacts. I have ceased to quarrel with life and am learning to accept it as God gives it. It means that, even though I don't know them, I accept that God has His reasons for giving me limitations. But it also means that I accept the talents He gave, develop them and use them in service.
Kapatid, (Brother,) we all know that each of us is unique. There is only one of
you as there is only one of me. God wanted only one version of each of us. Though that is a very good reason for me not to force others to become like me, that statement has a much deeper meaning. Like a work of art, each of us are rare examples of God's work. And because He is God, His work cannot be less than masterpieces. Each of us is a masterpiece He made for a reason. I believe that each of us has a purpose. And that purpose includes the specific mix of limitations and talents that God has given us. Each of us is this fabulous work of art that God decided to create. We cannot glorify God if we would not accept His creation, if we would rather relegate ourselves to this small powerless creature. I believe that our life should be an unfolding of this work of art. We glorify God by fulfilling our purpose, developing and using the talents that He gave. Perhaps that is one of the things He meant when He said that we are the light of the world and that we should not hide our light in a basket but put it up for all the world to see.
Bro Dan, you are greater than you think. We have not seen each other but I know that in you lives that spark of the divine, the immense power of God, wholly perfect and beautiful, capable of moving mountains and raising the dead. You are a child of God. You are not maliit (small.)
- TE
